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Halo Wars Pwnfest a gamer journal part 3

By: goukijones Aug 22, 2010 | 10 Comments

While playing an ass ton of Halo Wars the last 3 days I kept a journal of the most pwnn events ever. Unedited, these are the true stories ...

August 22, 2010

2:23 pm Our first match we were Cutter and "The Chick." The other team was Cutter and "The Chick" as well. We rushed the Cutter and sure enough he was trying to get out tanks and Spartans. Fuck yo tanks!! Get railed. Started a second match, but those Jimmys quit right away.

2:44 pm match started forgot what I was gonna type here.

2:59 pm LOL two more rage quit when they see I have 30 flame thrower Jimmys out side his base with 3 Spartans ready to jack whatever vehicles come out the front door. Nubfarm! Fuck yo tanks! I'm not falling for the banana in the tail pipe. You can't get your tanks out, you can't win. Better think of a defensive strategy. Oh that reminds me earlier. Two Jimmys quit out immediately when they saw King of Jimmys and Erik Estrada were their opponents. 

3:05 These two tards had matching gamertags. Poorly done by the way ... "gilmo7" and "gilmo8" What the fuck is a gilmo? and Why are there allegedly 8 of them?

3:28 pm iGuapo joins the party. The last match was a complete railing. Two Covenant Jimmys railed. Slow as hell, they didn't stand a chance. One look at Estrada's army and that Jimmy quit. 

3:59 pm First's 3's match. We got railed by three "chicks." Waiting for next week. 

4:13 pm Jimmys rage quit! Victory is ours. iGUAPO, Estrada, Jimmy is the official Team Gouki for Halo Wars. 

4:36 pm Fail.

5:31 pm. We have been railed again. 2 in a row. Sad face. Break time, time to eat some two day old pizza. Don't be a Jimmy!

8:38 pm The pwnfest continues. We continue to shut down the 2v2 tank game that these Jimmys try to run each time.

8:56 pm Two more Jimmys just quit on us. Guess what they were trying to build. Fuck yo tanks Jimah! 

9:10 pm lol TWO MORE Jimmys resigned! They can't handle the new strategy of the super Cutter rush. Queue up; 1 Elephant and 4 supply pads, start picking up supplies with your warthog. Put your world rally point right next to the other Jimmys base just outside his line of sight. There you will queue up the other 3 supply pads and just pump out either flame throwing Jimmys or marines and just set up camp.

10:02 pm BatRastered has just witnessed the first class railing in person. 14:47 match time. LOL. 

10:18 pm Out of game. Sad face. got railed by to covenant Jimmys with Tanks. Fuckin' tanks man.

Well that's it. The pwnfest is over. Check my stats from the last few days. I'm not going to be playing anymore tonight. I have to get back to a regular life tomorrow. I got responsibilities. Like not being a Jimmy. Get ready for Halo Reach and Final Fantasy XIV JIIIIIIIYAMAH! 

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Halo Wars Pwnfest a gamer journal part 2

By: goukijones Aug 22, 2010 | 6 Comments

While playing an ass ton of Halo Wars the last 3 days I kept a journal of the most pwnn events ever. Unedited, these are the true stories ...

August 21, 2010

Day two of the Halo Wars pwnfest diary. Somebody said they were going to call the TV Shot "Intervention" on me. To get me off the Halo Wars? C'mon, I'll be addicted to Reach and FF14 in two weeks so just relax.  

Woke up, had a bowl of Cheerios and read my email. Got a fresh pot on and had two cups while I wrote a story about Reach and the new weapon and maps I saw. Then I get the infamous "Pwn!" text from Estrada. All units!  

First two matches we won. Some Jimmys tried to rush us and got killed. Then we parked an Elephant and built a barracks just outside one of the Jimmys' base and started pumping out foot soldiers. We over ran him with 3 barracks right next to his base. Don't rush next time bitch.  

Just got railed by a Brute leader. The Brute leader is a pwnr. He must go immediately.  

2:17 pm Waiting for next match.   

2:50 2 Brutes railed! Maybe the flame thrower guys rail the Scarab. I had 35 of them on the field and 3 Spatans. That Scarab went down in flames in less than a minute. I got off to a good start on defense, so when the offensive opportunity rose, we rushed the Jimmys and took out two Scarabs and everything else they had. PWND!   

Waiting for next match.  I had a completely wrong start during this match. The plan was to rush, but I had no Elephant. Nubfarm. We have to rush the tanks. That match was all my fault.  

Pro tip: When using Cutter, put an Elephant on the field.  

3:21 pm Waiting for next match. Wow another failed rush attempt. This time the plan was to rush up the middle, but the AI controlled Jimmys guarding the central bonus tower raiped us. By the time we made it through the Jimmy had tank with Spartans coming out. He was Cutter! I'm sick of the tanks and the Spartans. That Shit ends right away!  

3:38 pm Waiting for next match. Got railed by two covenant Jimmys. They caught our rush and we got pwnd. Now we think we have a better idea. The plan is to build the army right next to our base and then airdrop our guys right next the enemy base. I just like the idea of building right away.  

4:10 pm That was a fast match. We're trying to strategies to avoid getting railed by certain combinations. Each time we think we have new idea, there's some new variable in the next match that we didn't plan for and we get fucked. That time, I don't think we expect to run into both leaders with our Elephants. So we have to be ready for that now. I think we might have been too greedy at the beginning of the match.   

1:47 am I haven't slept today yet, so it's still technically Day 2 of the pwnfest diaries. I did take a little break, had a few drinks, watched some porn, skipped the shower and now ... Back on the Halo Wars.  

Just railed the fuck out of two Jimmys with a brilliant rush Tactic. Team Gouki FTW. Waiting for next match.    The plan went wrong when the Jimmy on the other team drove right between our two bases and built one of his own. Right next to us. So our rush failed because he had tanks up our ass and our squad were on the other side of the map. At one point I was torn to move my Spartans back to the base or keep them attacking. Things might have been different if I had moved them for defense.  

2:12 am Double resignation. This is another one not for the journal.  

2:36 Now we just made two Jimmys quit. Couldn't handle it that time. Mixin' anotha drink. Pwnn again! Waiting for next match. I'd like to get on that city level that one is bad ass.   

3:22 am Estrada just "lagged out" of the match. I had no chance against covenant nuabs with planes. Jimmys sucks. Waiting for next match.  

3:52 am Wow ... Just beat the Jimmy out of the Jimmy with 3 scarabs. Hawks and Flame throwers.   

4:11 am 2 in a row! Cutting off the drinking.  

4:36 am Fuck it, I'm having a beer. Pabst Blue Ribbon, it's like water. So this won't hurt me. I haven't been caught still drinking when sun comes up in a long, long ... a week. Never mind. I'm afraid I might have a heart attack some day like Bad Shot. Good thing I didn't get the Starcraft II. Because if it is like Halo Wars, just WAY MORE INSANE. Mix that with some Reach and FF14. You gotta pick your poison Jimmy. We all do.   

By the way, raiped the last two Jimmys, trying to Spartan/tank rush us. Waiting for next match.  

5:45 am A few matches in a row of straight pwnn. I finished that beer. The sun is coming up. Halo Wars diaries. This is a true story.  

Waiting for next match. Wow in less than 14 minutes we were over ran that time.   

Its bright outside. I feel alive.

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Halo Wars Pwnfest a gamer journal part 1

By: goukijones Aug 22, 2010 | 6 Comments

While playing an ass ton of Halo Wars the last 3 days I kept a journal of the most pwnn events ever. Unedited, these are the true stories ...

August 20, 2010

Just woke up and made a cup coffee. Sat down for a few minutes and looked at some websites. Estrada had been texting me about the All Units! All Units for those of you who don't know, is the Halo Wars. I'm totally addicted to this game right now. So bad, that I'm behind in all my work and I'm doing this story, sitting here waiting for a match to start. It's sickening. So I'm just gonna write a little between each match.

We already won our first match with special guest star iGuapo. I straight up rushed the enemy base and built my own base right next to his. The pressure was too much for those Jimmys and we pwnd them!

Just won our second match. The Blue Jimmy quit out early. He must have fucked up his set up. Nnnnnnnnnnuab.

Cutter Tips and Tricks. At the beginning of the match - Don't accidently build a warthog, thinking you built a Elephant. 

Match #3 on Repos ...
Just got whopped by some 12 year old Jimmys! It was a long battle on Repository. The Jimmys had Covenant with 2 scarabs each with the healers on them. I fucked up not getting ODST's right away to fight those bitches. Fuck me. I need a drink.

I made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, reheated some coffee from two hours ago and added some Bailey's. The pwnfest continues. Estrada is taking a break to feed Estrada chick her special formula. I'll play a round of singles. I just farted, so now fresh lingering morning fart Jimmy smell surrounds me.

3:33 pm Just railed some newb in singles. I haven't had a lot of wins in singles lately. This time around I focused on training ODST's right away and not drink the coffee and Bailey's so fast. I get the shakes and then I become real nervous that my squads aren't rising up fast enough. I go into panic mode. Then I realize that the Jimmy I'm playing doesn't have any other bases. I had 3, taking a 4th and he was no where to be seen.

4:01 pm Another singles match. Another Jimmy railed. He had the Prohet and tried to rush and destroy my base. He used up all of his resources while my army just stacked. This Jimmy didn't even have a shield on his base because he wanted as much resources as possible to try and rush me. Nubfarm! Get railed. Spartans for the win. Don't be a Jimmy.

5:30 pm. Now I'm getting wasted Jimmy! I'm so out of it right now, that I just checked the mail in my underwear. I didn't even realize I did not have my shorts on. It did feel good outside though.

5:34 pm Estrada is back on and the pwnfest continues. 2v2 match on ... we just got raiped. Tanks Jimmys. A Shit load of tank Jimmys. I just can compete with them sometime. That match lasted 1:42 mins. WOW!
Waiting for next match and steak.
After the steak. I downloaded some porn and watched some porn. Not in that order. Had a few more drinks and played the new Lara Croft XBLA game for 2 hours. The game is long and is really good. Best of the Summer of Arcade.

12:57 am Back on the Halo Wars looking for some nuabs. This time of night it gets real interesting. Las time we played at these hours we were in the MLG play lost of something. Not looking to go out like Jimmy tonight! 
Searching for a match, we get one, it says loading ... then we end up back in the lobby. The search continues for the first match this evening.

1:09 am Team railed. Rage quit! They came over to where I was setting up camp with 3 Spartans and a bunch of flame throwing and marine Jimmys. I almost killed the leader and then he teleported out of there like a bitch. Then Estrada rolled up on the Covenant leader base and that's when the raged quit.
Waiting for next match. 

1:38 am We just got destroyed. I don't want to talk about it waiting for the next match. 

2:04 am PWNN! Just destroyed another covenant nuab and a forge. As I drink more I become so focused in the game as if I were actually on the field commanding the troops. Unfortunately it's getting harder to type.

FUCK! C'mon bring on another match of nuabs. If I can get my Jimmys on the field fast. 3 Spartans and some tanks, I got security. If you are fighting against covenant, the best thing against any leader is the flame thrower Jimmys. The Jackals will rail right through them though so look out. The leader can't take the fire. It's hard to decide at the beginning. Now I'm just going for 3 Spartans and 3 tanks at the start just for security. Roll around, steal some bases, scare them away, so I have more time to get up ODST's.

Next match is starting. These two Jimmys quit straight away. Saw the Team Gouki double Cutter rush and just gave up.

3:05 am Just went for about an hour. Thw two Jimmys tried to isolate themselves on this islands of this particular map. Well they left all of the other bases defenseless and couldn't' really get across the bridge they were defending. I had it all clogged up. Finally after some level MAC blasts and ODST drop and Hornets and building a barracks right on top of their base ... We killed them. Pwn.
Waiting for next match.

4:24 am Fought this last match for forever against one Jimmy. The covenant guy quit out pretty quick, but this tank Jimmy stayed in. I do not know what to do against tanks and everybody uses them. It sucks. Eventually we had to bring those big bad planes over the building and hit him with missile barrages fast enough so he can't rebuild his base.

The Jimmy (gamertag: xReefer) just sent me an Xbox live message. "i like losing to bad kids" What a jackass! That's what he gets for having no friends and using the tank strategy. 

Fuck this bed time. 

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